'I Don't Desire to Be Similar a Family unit With My Co-Workers'

Photo: by The Cutting;Photos: Getty Images

Dear Boss,

I work for a nonprofit arrangement. My department is a very close-knit one, with lots of talk well-nigh beingness "a family" and e'er being willing to help people out on projects even if it isn't in our job description.

I make a bespeak of being firm nigh work-life boundaries. I am politely resolute nigh my lunch breaks and out-of-office time and practice actually tell people "no" when I am also decorated with my own piece of work to aid out on projects or participate in "fun" department activities. I have also been outspoken in grouping meetings when managers endeavour to push button boundaries because of the aforementioned "family" vibe (like trying to make anonymous feedback not-bearding because "we're all family unit and we can be honest with each other"). I exercise great work though, and my supervisors are always very costless.

Recently, even so, a friend in my department was told she would non receive a promotion considering she is non a "squad player." When pressed, HR and her supervisor mentioned her absence from department-bonding activities.

I am currently far exceeding my "assistant" job clarification and am also seeking a title/compensation change to reverberate the projection manager part I'g now performing. Despite recommendations from previous and electric current managers that I be promoted, my organization is dragging their feet. I am beginning to worry that if I asked  why, they would tell me that I am also not a "team player."

The extent of this role means I am oft too busy to join in fun section activities. I likewise, frankly, don't want to participate. The shift to working from dwelling house full time has been extremely crude on my mental wellness. I am in a better place at present than I was before, but I nevertheless am non motivated to spend the express spare time I have playing games with colleagues. I do make chitchat through email and instant bulletin.

Is it normal that forgoing a Zoom scavenger hunt would damage my chances at promotion this heavily? Do I but need to suck it up and pretend to want a deeper-than-cordial relationship with my colleagues?

There are workplaces where even if you do excellent work, y'all'll be seen as insufficiently invested if you lot don't bear witness up at enough office social events.

This is ridiculous, since your excellent work provides plenty of show that yous're invested … and bluntly, it's hard to run into why your internal level of investment is even relevant if you're consistently churning out loftier-level work. Plus, if any of these social activities are outside of work hours, people who have child-intendance responsibilities or other obligations in their not-work hours volition be at an firsthand disadvantage.

To answer your question of whether it'due south normal: It's not "normal" in the sense of healthy or reasonable, but it's besides not as uncommon as it should be.

And relatedly, that "we're like family unit hither" matter that your role likes to do? Also not healthy or reasonable. In fact, information technology'due south hugely problematic. You tend to meet that bandied about in offices where boundaries are routinely violated and you're expected to work long hours, take lower pay, not mutter about bad management, and generally prioritize loyalty to your employer over your ain interests — even if your employer doesn't reciprocate that loyalty in any meaningful way. And of course, work isn't a family. It tin can be a identify where you have warm, supportive relationships with colleagues and genuinely care most each other, only information technology'southward besides a place that might burn you lot or lay you off and where you are trading your labor for a paycheck and need to look out for your own interests, just as your employer will look out for theirs.

Offices that similar to say they're like a family are some of the ones nigh likely to penalize you lot if you don't take part in workplace social events. They tend to have a built-in distrust of people who don't buy into the "family" model, and in those cases "not a team player" often really simply means "has boundaries around their not-work time and advocates for their own needs."

That said, it seems like y'all're bold this volition definitely be an issue for you lot in this job, but it doesn't sound like that's been made articulate withal. The fact that your friend's absenteeism from team-bonding activities was mentioned in a conversation most her not being promoted is alarming! Only it'due south possible that there was more to information technology than that — like maybe her manager was suggesting a wide range of things she could do to counter a item impression, and attending more team events was i proffer of many. It's understandably unsettling, though, and you're right to be thinking most it.

The easiest style to detect out is to ask your boss straight. At that place'southward no reason you can't say, "I'm finding that my work keeps me really busy and it'south hard for me to participate in section activities like X and Y. Is that likely to harm the way I'm perceived here or be an obstruction to my ability to move up here over time?" If that feels more direct than your relationship with your boss allows, a unlike approach is to merely ask what y'all would need to practice to be a strong candidate for a promotion and see what your boss's answer focuses on.

You should also pay attention to who in your part does get promoted. If they're all people who heavily lean in to office socializing, that'south useful info. If people who practise proficient work but don't prove up for virtual happy hours and Zoom scavenger hunts don't ever seem to get rewarded, that'southward fifty-fifty more useful to know.

If it does turn out that yep, you're going to be held back professionally because you don't socialize enough, that doesn't hateful that you need to change what you're doing. Faking more enthusiasm is certainly one option (and some people decide to practice that, calculating that the trade-off is worth information technology to them), only y'all also accept the choice of concluding that this culture doesn't piece of work well for you and you'd rather look at jobs that don't come with this expectation attached.

Before y'all do that, it'due south worth noting that a lot of office jobs do have some component of expected bonding time! But you lot should be able to find workplaces where it'southward mostly confined to things like "spend an hr at a happy 60 minutes once or twice a year" and "prove up at the annual holiday party," as opposed to a more time-intensive, ongoing obligation.

Order Alison Light-green's book Ask a Manager: Clueless Colleagues, Lunch-Stealing Bosses, and the Rest of Your Life at Work here. Got a question for her? Email askaboss@nymag.com. Her advice column appears here every Tuesday.

'I Don't Want to Be Like a Family unit With My Co-Workers'